The关系guanxi
Relations in everyday life in China:
A history of flow and balance
J'ai beau me repeat that often English and Chinese are very similar, there is still many cultural differences that it is sometimes difficult. Evidenced few thoughts that I came as a result of simple events of everyday life that occurred this weekend.
Facts of life
Sunday, I planned to visit a Chinese girlfriend pregnant. Since she lives near the 5th ring road, to visit him ask me every time several hours of transport. I can not see it as often as I would like, but when I do, I do not feel it at all as a constraint.
This Sunday it, it seems that my friend felt a little guilty that I come from as far away as I had homework to do, and that is what arises as the rest of the events.
We spent the morning after quietly discuss everything and nothing, including gender roles in couples. My friend told me that such men should pay the bulk of the expenditure incurred by their girlfriend when they went out together, including clothes, food, etc.. I was shocked by this utilitarian vision that is often found in China. My Chinese friends have confirmed to me later that yes, girls often felt that their boyfriends had to (almost) all their pay ... and also to bring their business to those who live in China, you will notice that you often see men wearing handbags female, which is not a chimera but a sign of the role they play aupres de their partner.
I was going to live in reality the application of the theory a little later.
My friend had to leave in the city center, and her husband had to go drive the car before leaving himself with his work. Naturally, they offered me to take me. For me, it was so, I was able to shorten my journey in making me a file a bus station or subway near me. But my friend did not design the same things as me. She wanted her husband, after having filed, escorted me to my house to the other side of the city before starting its work! For me it was out of question to make a large detour, while I could easily take a bus or metro, and I knew very busy. On the way, so I insisted they lay me on a bus pass or who could carry me home. My friend was sorry, but let me do. To reassure them, I send a text message arriving in my home telling them that everything was fine and that this had been rapid.
But strangely, shortly after, my friend called me on my telephone to tell me that her husband was sorry not escorted me home. She also said, to my surprise my "I admire you very much for and have taken the bus, none of my Chinese friends have done what you did, they would take the car to my husband for escort. " Estomaquee I said with a laugh that it was not even when an extraordinary feat of taking the bus, and that her friends would have probably done so. But she tells me her idea and told me she was sorry. We discussed a bit before hanging up, and that is, considering this phone, I tell myself that something was wrong.
Discovery of hidden meaning
True, it was so weird to say "I admire you very much" and "I'm sorry"! Nothing that I made to feel the need to call me for 10 minutes while I sent him a message saying that I was well rentree was strange.
I had already taken a first step towards understanding this strange finding, but the second was not done with the help of other Chinese friends who I expressed my concerns.
In fact, I realized that I had made serious cultural errors in trying to be nice and save the husband of my friend to escort me:
- I had no doubt, though to a lesser extent, is "losing face" was my friend before her husband telling her that her husband had a lot of work and I did not want it to lose its time (especially in the morning, her husband had already had to accompany the parents of my girlfriend somewhere before taking his own parents). Since the idea came from my friend, the contest was probably wrong, although for my part I felt we turned a little slave.
- But above all, after the explanation of my other Chinese friends, I had broken the equilibrium in the flow of our friendship, or phone call from my friend to try to restore: indeed, my friend liable because he felt that I had come from afar, not to mention some that I had given to other opportunities. Being able m'arrangerait in turn making me escort her husband allowed her to make me turn a service, and maintain the relationship and balance of his trips. By denying this, I do not allow him to serve me, and suddenly I had unwittingly created its stock symbol "charges or debts of friendship" that desequilibre our relationship. Where apparently his phone, saying she was sorry. In fact she was sorry for not able to get what she thought my duty. Wanting to help, I really had difficulty setting!
Another point concerns his phone call and the Chinese way of saying things through the back door. At the beginning, for example, she did not say: "I'm sorry", but "My husband is sorry." In my opinion, her husband was quite happy and relieved not escorted me, in fact he had not suggested any escort me and had not objected to my proposal to take the bus or metro . So it was not her husband, but she was sorry that, as she told me towards the end of the phone.
Then I took a replay of my Chinese friends need to understand the "I admire you very much" as a criticism deguise, although it was probably a little criticism, or rather an expression of gene. It does not m'admirait have managed to take the bus, naturally! It expressed rather a misunderstanding of my conduct, while his other friends in China, they would take the car to get back safely.
In reliving this episode, I say it is impressive to see how cultures construct the meaning of the relations completely different way. As I explained to my friends at home if a friend wants to go home by bus in order not to disturb, we try to convince him a little, but if it's really his choice, do we leave and not to occupy more. There is no history at all to maintain and balance the flow of the relationship, at least not in the case of small actions of daily life! It seems to me that in France, it does not judge the choices and lives of others, the balance can be found in the reasons to the individual, whereas in China, for small things like 'example I gave is the balance in the relationship between individuals and not in people themselves.
The problem is that the theory is to understand one thing, but achieving and applying it is another proof with what happened to me. So the adventure is not necessarily the realization exploits "external", but may very well be a "live" another culture in daily life, and internal. In any case, as I saw my experience in China, as an adventure interieure, to the exoticism of Segalen.
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